


Never There When The Snow Comes Down

by nowhere_blake



Category: Ant & Dec RPF
Genre: Angst, Christmas, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 02:08:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5439509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhere_blake/pseuds/nowhere_blake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when he calls you at Christmas, and his voice is soft like the snow outside and he honest-to-god sounds like he’s falling apart and you know you can’t even promise him a tomorrow, let alone the forever that you want to? It’s not your fault though, not really, because you love him more than anything, and you never wanted to hurt him, but he doesn’t really care much about your reasoning when it’s Christmas and it’s finally snowing and you’re ten minutes away, but not there with him and… you can sort of understand why, because maybe sometimes you do manage to forget about it, but deep down: you feel exactly the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never There When The Snow Comes Down

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, you’d think this is the next part of Secrets, Tears and What-ifs, but no, it’s still not. Yep, I’m still failing miserably at updating that fic, but fear not, it’s coming and will be finished, I’m just taking my time – sorry about that!!! Until then though, here’s a bittersweet (I’m lying though, because it’s just pure angst and I’m only a little bit sorry) Christmas one-shot. Love you all so much, good luck if you have exams/tests/general school awfulness, remember that if it gets hard waiting for Takeaway, you just have to think about how we got through this entire summer without any Ant and Dec on telly, and finally, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, everyone!! 

‘Hey, d’you have a minute?’

Ant couldn’t be really sure, because of all the noise around him – his niece started excitedly explain something to his Mam about this book she read, the very moment he answered his phone –, but there was something in Dec’s voice that wasn’t quite the happy Christmas drunkenness he was expecting.

‘Yeah, course,’ he said with a brightened smile, while stepping out of the sitting room, away from the loud family celebration. ‘Hi, pet, what’s up?

‘I- I just…’

Ant froze; his smile gone immediately. He hadn’t been wrong, because there it was again, something in Dec’s voice that was sort of sad in a hopeless way and just so not like him, especially during the holidays – Dec loved Christmas.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked cautiously and he was just drunk enough to think of the worst right away and quickly go through several catastrophic mental images in his head (Dec found out, he has cancer; Dec found out, his mam has cancer; Dec found out, one of his siblings has cancer; Dec found out, Ali has cancer; and finally, Dec found out, Rocky has cancer – in that exact order).

‘Just not really in a Christmas-y mood, I guess,’ Dec replied glumly, which while somewhat satisfied Ant's worry, made him imagine his sulky face right away; a little bit tipsy, a little bit childish, a little bit pouty.

‘Well, if the snow _and_ the presents ain’t doing it for you, son, I don’t know what to tell ya…!’ was what came out of Ant’s mouth; the end of the sentence turning into heartfelt laughter in a ‘really, did I just day that’ kind of way. _Jesus, he was drunk._

It turned out to be a half-decent try though, because Dec started laughing with him. ‘What does that even supposed to mean?’

‘Have no clue, like. I have a couple pints in me, so bear with us till I come up with something better than that, love,’ Ant assured him cheerfully, suddenly feeling happy and content. ‘Have youse seen the snow outside though?’

‘Aye, it’s pretty hard to miss,’ Dec replied with heavy sarcasm. ‘Looks like something out of a movie, that is,’ he added then wonderingly.

‘I know, right? Don’t remember the last time it snowed on Christmas Day. ‘S beautiful, isn’t it?’

‘We should take out Rocky and Hurley for a snow-fight tomorrow…’ Dec said, but his voice was slipping into something that resembled quiet-like sadness.

‘Oh, absolutely – that’ll cheer you up, like,’ Ant agreed, then without wasting another moment started aggressively loudly butchering the Frozen soundtrack into the phone, ‘ _DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN?_ ’

‘Jesus, Ant…’ Dec managed to say somewhat disapprovingly, before bursting out in laughter on the other end.

It was probably just the warmth of the alcohol overflowing in him, but Ant suddenly thought about the first time he realised how the sound of Dec’s laugh had never failed to make everything okay in his whole world. It had always had hat effect on him, but he wasn’t really conscious of it until Dec fell off that stupid bike while doing the Ant vs Dec challenge for Takeaway.

Ant could never forget how he felt the moment he stepped out of that booth, taking a glance at all those people standing in a circle around Dec. He honest to god thought, that was it; that Dec had died. He long ago decided, he would die before Dec when it eventually came to that, because the dread he had experienced in that moment was not something he was planning on enduring ever again. It had all happened so quickly and Ant was in shock for most of it, and he didn’t think so at the time, but looking back on it, it was definitely one of the worst moments of his life.

So as Dec was lying there, hurt and surrounded by anxious and concerned faces, but very much alive, Ant’s relief was infinite. And he couldn’t help, but say something stupid, but hopefully funny, just a little joke to ease the tension – and it was the weirdest thing, because he couldn’t even remember what it was anymore, he was absolutely sure though, it was quite bad –, but Dec had looked up at Ant and he laughed a weak, but sweet little laugh anyway and from then on he would always associate Dec's laugh with that immeasurable relief he felt that moment and he realised that somehow it meant that everything was gonna be okay.

So as Ant listened to Dec laugh through the phone, while absent-mindedly staring at the happy little scene of his family’s Christmas in the living room, he almost decided that it was nothing with Dec, that he was just feeling a bit down, nothing serious, no, not really - he must have heard it wrong. Then Dec’s laughter died down, there was a short pause and through the silence that gut feeling Ant had about something being really really wrong returned right away.

‘Well, that was dreadful, but I appreciate your valiant efforts anyway,’ said Dec, fake-happy more than anything and now that he managed to catch his breath, honestly, he sounded like he was trying hard not to fall apart.

‘Don’t mention it, lad,’ Ant replied easily, but he felt himself frowning in concern. Yes, there was definitely something wrong; he knew now – this was Dec after all, he could tell.

‘Woah,’ Dec snickered, sounding even more forced if possible, ‘You sound more Geordie than you have in years.’

‘Happens every year, I go home,’ Ant dismissed it quickly, wondering about what made Dec call him. ‘Hey, is everything okay, like?’ he asked and when he got no answer, he added, ‘Do you want us to go over to youse?’

‘What? No, it’s fine, Anth,’ Dec refused, but somehow it sounded slow and tired and frighteningly not like Dec. ‘Thank you though. I just needed to talk to someone like, I think.’

Ant lifted an eyebrow. He wasn’t convinced, to say the least. ‘Aye? How come?’

‘Oh, you know, I dunno, just…’ Dec started, but it still rang untrue. He probably noticed as well, because he stopped himself this time and instead continued with, ‘Yeah. Well, no. Not _someone_. I needed to talk to _you_.’

Ant took a sharp breath. He was still worried a fair amount, but at least, he thought, now he knew where this was going. ‘Seriously, man, did something happen like?’

‘No, no, no, it’s fine. I’m fine,’ Dec hurried to reassure him. ‘Just miss me Dad, I guess. It becomes so much more evident that he’s not here when it’s like a big family thing, you know and…’

Ant sighed. His heart went out for Dec; he couldn’t imagine how it must have been to be constantly reminded of the loss of his father like this.

‘I know, that’s shit, Dec, man, but you’ve gotta remember all the good memories and…’ he started, more or less out of habit by now – wasn’t the first time, Dec needed consoling because of his Dad –, but Dec simply interrupted him.

‘Yeah, no, I know. It’s just… Mam said something about family and how you’re always supposed to be with the people you love the most at Christmas and it was real cheesy, you know like and I just thought about…’ Dec paused again slightly and Ant could hear him take a deep breath. He was sure now what this was about and could easily predict what was coming next – the scenario was bitterly familiar, they had been through this and its various versions many many times over the years. ‘I just suddenly kind of felt alone, I guess, because… Because you weren’t here,’ Dec finally finished, voice slightly trembling, but heartbreakingly sincere.

Ant felt nauseous. This happened sometimes and it was never fucking easy. Their whole life was a carelessly built balancing act and they didn’t always get it right. Lisa was the love of his life, no question about it; Lisa was his rock, his family, but Dec… what they had with Dec was indescribable. Quite literally.

Because there should have been a way of defining how Ant felt at this very moment. There should have been a word for all this anger that he felt, the poisonous burn of secrets, all the hopelessness that was inside him because he knew there was no real chance of making it better and also… _love_ , just so so much love for Dec. But there was no real way of expressing any of it – even worse, he had to keep it in at all times, all this pain and misery silently eating away at him.

And of course, it was shit. Because Ant wanted to be with Dec too, but this wasn’t simple, like in the movies. Because in the movies, Ant wouldn’t have been in love with two people at the same time and in the movies everything would have been just so much simpler and he wouldn’t have married Lisa and he would have been able to just fall out of love with her and be with Dec and grow old with him (or the other way around – what did he even care at this point…!) and in the movies Ant would have known exactly what to say to Dec to make it all better.

‘Jesus, don’t do this, Declan,’ he said resignedly, because in real life he had no idea how make it better. ‘Don’t go bloody sentimental on us now, please.’

‘Well, I’m not doing it on fucking purpose,’ Dec retorted with a hurt edge in his voice, which only made everything worse. ‘Sorry for wanting to be with you, Ant.’

Ant let out a sigh, immediately feeling a lot guiltier and he was pretty proud that his rant that followed came out sort of half-grumpy, half-whiny instead of properly angry. ‘I can’t do nowt about it, now can I, though? You’re acting like it was all me fault… And it’s bloody Christmas, like honestly, what do youse expect me to-?’

‘That’s not fair, Ant; you know, I’m not trying to blame you for anything. But aren’t you tired of hiding? And you know what, it _is_ bloody Christmas at the minute! Aren’t you tired of not being togeth-?’

‘Hey love, who’s that?’

Ant already felt Lisa come up behind him before she started speaking and way before consequently Dec abruptly cut himself short. Her arm around Ant’s waist was a familiar and warm presence, and Ant was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling that he associated only with Lisa, while in the middle of an emotional conversation with Dec. It pretty much couldn’t have fazed him more.

Ant looked up at her slowly. ‘Eh? What was that, pet?’ he asked. At this moment, she seemed the exact opposite of Dec; she was happy, she smelt of Christmas, she was family and she was there. Ant was holding the phone so hard, his knuckles were going white.

‘Who are you talking to?’ Lisa asked him with a smile. The sleeve of her Christmas jumper was touching Ant’s wrist; the material slightly irritating his skin.

‘Oh, it’s Dec,’ Ant said, certainly sounding more uncomfortable than he would have preferred, but Lisa didn’t seem to notice.

‘Who else?’ she laughed adorably and Ant almost smiled. Almost. ‘It's been too long since you last spoke yesterday, has it?’ she asked mockingly. ‘Give him my love, will you?’ she leaned over Ant’s shoulder to get closer to the phone, now raising her voice, ‘Merry Christmas, Decky!’ Then she quickly kissed Ant on the cheek - she smelt like eggnog - and walked back to the living room.

Ant let out a deep breath that he didn’t realise, he was holding. Just because they were used to the whole thing, didn't mean that it wasn't incredibly painful.

‘Sorry, what were you saying?’ he asked Dec a moment later.

‘Nothing,’ Dec said quietly, as if he had no energy left to continue this conversation. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘You’re gonna be fine, little ‘un?’ Ant asked him then softly, knowing, the moment was gone. They were cruelly pushed back into reality; it was like their chance to have an honest conversation never even existed.

‘Yeah. I’m alright,’ Dec replied and Ant could perfectly imagine the kind of fake smile that was probably on his face. ‘Just wanted to know what you were doing.’

Ant let out a deep sigh. He wanted to make Dec feel better so desperately, but he couldn’t come up with anything that would have accomplished that.

‘Love ya, Decky,’ he said, hoping to sound consoling. He shivered a little when he realised that he looked up (very much out of habit) to check if there was anyone around before saying it.

‘Yeah. You too,’ Dec said and Ant didn’t let himself think about how much he sounded like there were tears in his eyes. ‘Merry Christmas, Ant.’

‘Merry Christmas,’ Ant’s voice was almost just a broken whisper at that point - he was trying real hard to keep it together. ‘Declan, _wait_...!’

‘Yeah?’ Dec asked back with way too much eagerness and hope.

‘I- I wish youse were here too, you know,’ Ant said awkwardly, clearing his throat. He only hoped Dec knew how much he meant it.

There was a moment of silence, then Dec said, ‘Yeah,’ in a distant voice, like he didn’t really believe it. Ant opened his mouth to interrupt him; to prove it to him that he loved him just as much, but Dec continued talking, not leaving him a chance to speak. ‘Tell Lisa, I said Merry Christmas, aye?’

‘Will do,’ Ant nodded, feeling strangely defeated. ‘I’m glad you called, y’know,’ he added, trying once more, but Dec didn’t reply this time and his silence broke Ant’s heart.

‘Call us again, if you feel like it, yeah?’ he said eventually and his voice broke a little bit at the end there. _Fuck._ Being drunk and heartbroken at the same time was not fun.

He could have sworn, he heard Dec’s breath hitch on the other side of the line, but then as he said, ‘Yeah. Sure. See you soon, Anth,’ his voice sounded almost completely normal.

‘Ta ra, love,’ Ant mumbled, barely able to keep his voice at a normal pitch anymore.

It was the stupidest thing, but he couldn’t make himself hang up just yet, so he waited for Dec to end the call. They were still connected for about eight seconds before Dec finally did however and it was the longest of painful silences, but it felt strangely comforting all the same; just slowly breathing together and listening to the other’s quiet.

Ant slowly let his hand fall, still clutching his phone somewhat desperately. He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back until it met the cold of the wall behind him. He stayed there for a moment, just blocking out everything that was his family, everything that surrounded him; the festive songs blasting from his niece’s new speaker, the sound of his sister and his wife laughing together about a rubbish Christmas cracker joke, the smell of Christmas pudding, gingerbread and brandy butter.

 _It’s okay_ , he tried to reassure himself; his throat tight, tears in his eyes, heart aching. He took a deep breath, let the air fill his lungs and tried again: _it’s okay, Ant, man, come on now. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay_. He then slowly breathed in and out once more and started his little mantra all over again.

Maybe, _just maybe_ , if he said it enough times, he could perhaps trick himself into believing that it _was_ okay and could force himself never to think of Dec’s laugh and how it lit up his whole world ever again. The snow was still falling outside softly, like some sort of a disgustingly perfect Christmas card and his niece continued talking about her new favourite book to his Mam in the living room, by the brightly lit tree, but Ant felt infinitely empty. Christmas felt painfully lonelier than a short phone call ago.

_It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…_


End file.
